"Safe" Drivers; More Deadly than Aggressive Drivers?

We've all been there. Here you are, enjoying your commute home from the office. Traffic is flowing, your favorite song is on, and the music is loud, everything is as it should be. You settle into the driver’s seat as you reach a state of Zen. "Nirvana at last!" you think to yourself as you focus on the road ahead, entering a trance like state. Suddenly, an interruption of your peace. The red flash of the taillights in front of you suddenly hit your pupils like the flash of an atomic bomb. That meditative trance you found yourself in while decompressing from a stressful day of TPS reports at work? Just forget it! You're in traffic now. In a panic you check the right lane, no dice! Somebody’s already there already driving the speed limit! In a panic, you search ahead of you. Suddenly, you spot them! The culprit? A "safe" driver, who is currently demonstrating a total lack of situational awareness and competency behind the wheel, driving 50 mph in the left lane.

We all can envision this individual, hell, they even walk amongst us in our daily life. The "safe" (scared) driver. Riding in the fast lane going under the speed limit. Putting their turn signal on 3 turns before their actual turn. Coming to a complete halt before making that turn and slowly, delicately driving over the inch tall apron for their driveway in their Subaru Outback that has 9.5 inches of ground clearance. The ones who drive the exact speed limit to a T and you UNDOUBTEDLY get stuck behind them whenever you're running late. (Bonus points if they have one of the stupidest bumper stickers you have ever seen) I mean heaven forbid there's a roundabout in the equation, or what if the power is out at a traffic light. Any variable added to the simple math of driving completely short circuits their brain. Because of this, they consistently approach routine driving situations with a thoroughly confused demeanor and sometimes you wonder if it's even a sentient being behind the wheel, or an actual NPC driving.

Look, nobody’s perfect, okay, we've all got our fair share of traffic violations. Allegedly, there are 12-13 speeding tickets on the rap sheet of the driving individual who is putting this article together. Who gives a fuck? Traffic violations are just a scam by the Prison Industrial Complex and fund a militarized police force by stealing from the working American. But let it be known, fast, decisive drivers are good for the overall traffic ecosystem. Think about merging onto a highway. The aggressive driver says, "Look, I need to get on the highway. I'm going to speed up using the on ramp, I'll be about 10 mph over the speed limit as I reach the merge point, and I'll find my way into traffic without stopping." Great! Well Done. you know what the scared driver says? "Gee oh man these cars sure are going fast up there, I had better drive 45 mph down the on ramp and come to a complete stop while I wait for the 55+ mph traffic directly next to me to open up. Who cares if three or four cars get stuck behind me! It's all about me!" Who, in that situation, do you think is more likely to cause accident? I rest my case.

Ultimately, we live in a “free” country, and as the reader you are “free” to make your own choices. We make them every day. But I am asking you to stop and think for a second. What kind of driver are you? Are you the bold, witty, quick-thinking aggressive driver... or the slow, dull, and scared "safe" driver? Now, go out there and drive 20 miles per hour over the speed limit, use the left lane the way god intended. Be on the right side of history.

*the author of this article and the editing staff at The Deg Show are not responsible for any accidents, traffic violations, parking tickets, or general misfortune that may occur as a result of inspiration drawn from reading this article.